Long distance care for the parent who's alone...

I was producing a show and couldn't visit very often-and even when I could, every 1200 mile round-trip had to be done in a weekend so I could be back on the set by Monday at 6 AM.  I would be thoroughly trashed after the trip, and my crew would wonder why I was in such a daze...

Everything I was trying to do for my father seemed like it was just a day late and a dollar short.  I drove 1200 miles to buy him groceries and clean up his house, but it was like trying to stop an avalanche with a shovel.  Filling prescriptions, going to doctor's appointments, doing laundry and even taking out the garbage were now major obstacles.  Despite his salesman's ability to occasionally charm people, he was increasingly disconnected from society-at-large by his often irascible nature and a lifelong lack of patience. And without any companionship and few friends, he tended to react angrily to things, as if he didn't have to adhere to any social norms.  He was a fighter from Brooklyn, N.Y. his entire life, and without my mother's sociable personality to provide a buffer zone, everything was falling apart...

There are choices to make when your parent is living, or trying to live, independently. My father choice was clear: he'd rather drop dead on the spot before depending on anyone else, and for him, accepting help meant dependency.  In his case, this was in large part about vanity, and I found myself in a constant battle with him about what was, or wasn't, in his own self-interest.  I could never make him understand that it would be better for everyone if he could adapt to having help.  And sorry to say, my worst fears were realized.  If he had been more willing to utilize a little bit of assistance (from doctors and nurses to friends and neighbors), he would have been able to continue to live independently for far longer than he actually did...

My family and I ran ourselves ragged trying to help my father, who wouldn't accept help from anyone but us.  And the combination of not being able to drive any longer and being unwilling to accept outside help turned me into a long distance caregiver-a job impossible to do and one in which almost nobody ever wins.  Long distance care, particularly for those over 90 years of age, is a ticking time bomb-too much can go wrong.  Without attentive help of some kind, bad things start to happen to the elder parent living alone.  And they did indeed happen to us.  More on this to come...


Check out my website: http://www.jamielegon.com to see an excerpt from my book FEET FIRST-Riding the Elder Care Rollercoaster with My Father, follow my blogs, or to contact me directly...